Heart broken convert

[New Muslim sister]

Assalamualaikum brothers and sister ..
I am so happy to have found this group. I am a Muslim convert from Christianity. African American female. I converted back in August of 2015 so I am coming up on a year. I've been saying an African American Muslim man for the past year and 8 months. Just recently he broke up with me because I wasn't "Muslim" enough. I admit ... I don't wear hijab , only on occasion .. I try my best to pray the obligatory prayers and go to jumah when I can. (I am a flight attendant so I am rarely home.) I'm in the process of learning the Arabic aspects of salah now .. I don't really drink .. And I don't smoke at all. And although I don't cover I definitely dress much more modest than I used to. I am 22.. So this has been very hard for process for me. I've waited all of my life to wear cute dresses and grow my hair and wear makeup. I've waited all my life to be able to go with bars with friends and hang out with guys and women at parties and gatherings. Now all of a sudden I convert and I can't do a lot of the things I thought I'd be doing at 21 and 22. It's been very hard for me. But I am trying. I don't have any Muslim friends because when I converted I left home and became w flight attendant. My family is Christian so they don't understand everything that goes into being a Muslim. My boyfriend was my only real Muslim friend. What hurts me the most is that before I converted and even after although he was Muslim he wasn't orthodox. It felt like we were both growing together in Islam but some things happened in his life and all of a sudden he just dropped everything cold turkey. And I'm not sad about that. I am Proud but ever since then he's been very hard on me and mean to me and not understanding of my situation as a convert or my feelings a young lady. I've done a lot for my boyfriend ... At a certain point of time I was the only one working and able to provide for us. And even now we drive my car and I pay the car note and insurance and pretty much everything else. I'm saying all of this to say I've helped him out a lot without a second thought. We've had plans to get married since April but things happened. He lost his job. We wanted to do it the right way and involve our parents. Then we moved to Virginia for my job and more things happened. We were supposed to get married after Ramadan but we just broke up a couple of days ago. I've been super patient with my boyfriends because he's young and I just wish he had the same patience with me. I know that I am not a perfect Muslim wife now but I do see myself wearing hijab and Kemar in the future. I know one day I will know all of my prayers by heart and make all of them on time. I know one day I will not want to go out with friends to bars and parties. I just wish he could see the bigger picture. Even though I Converted for Allah I feel like that was a major step to do by myself and it's not enough for him. I am willing and have been willing to let him grow into the man I would like to be with but he isn't doing the same thing for me. Our relationship has been very rocky for shout four months now his grandmother says it's because we should be living together which we already knew... Before he came to Virginia I was here by myself and he knew that we shouldn't live together unless we were married but he still wanted to come. Now he makes it seem as if I dragged him to Virginia saying things like " I'm unhappy because our relationship is haram " " I love Allah more than you I don't wanna be in a haram relationship " which is all understandable for me but it's like he has no sympathy for my feelings in the process. Now on top of not having a haram relationship I'm just not Muslim enough. My heart is broken ... I love him so much and had hopes of marrying him and traveling the world together but I feel like he only wants to control me. I went out with a couple friends the other night when I was visiting home( mainly because my boyfriend and job were causing me so much stress plus I moved somewhere without any friends and my boyfriend will not hang out or do things with me so I get lonely ) and he says that was the last straw for him. His grandmother says all Muslim men are that way and that they are very strict on their women. I don't know if I can deal with that. Me and my boyfriend had the same back ground so I thought he would be more understanding of me but I guess not. I don't know what to do ..I don't want to be without him but I would like to marry a more understanding man. A man who will let me grow into my religion and still love me. I don't want to be controlled. That's not how I was raised. I'm so confused .. I hope all of this makes sense. We broke up on the 19th. Also I am in dire need of female Muslim friends. I left my home In Atlanta to become a flight attendants immediately after converting and I am so lonely. I can't talk to my Christian family about my Muslim problems cause they don't understand. I live in Virginia now .. Any friends would be nice.

[salman75]

Assalam U alikum sister,

I am so sorry to hear all that happen. I know your post says you want female muslim sisters as friends. But after reading your heart breaking post I decided to wirte this reply to you. If you want a muslim guy friend you can always email me at [e-mail] and speak your heart out. If not no worries. In the mean while I shall pray for you that may allah makes it easy for you. Just a word of advice dont put so much hope in him instead pray to Allah that who ever is better for you may allah grant you that person as a spouse. Some times we think some thing is perfect for us when its not. But I still hope and pray that you boyfriend understands and gives you the time to make the transition and you get happily married to him or whoever is better for you. I can totally understand how horrible it feels like to have someone who you have planned so much how your wedding is going to be like and all and then everythig falling apart. I have been through it. Also I dont mean to sound offensive or anything but he should have known already in the first place that if he is pursuing a revert he will need to be very patient with her and give her time and be supportive instead of judging her becasue they need our support ( muslim community) rather than passing judgement. I hope this page helps you find waht you are looking for and if you need a guy friend you have my email you can feel free to talk to me. No judgement will be passed. If anything advice and support will be granted and I hope allah accepts my efforts to help a fellow muslim.

Assalam u Alikum

[Jamila]

Wa alykum Salam,
Im sorry you're having a rough time right now. I can assure you that you don't need a man who is not willing to be the man our beloved Prophet peace and blessings be upon him has taught men to be. The best of men are those who are best to their wives, these are the words of our beloved prophet pbuh. A true Muslim man is not controlling but protective, You don't deserve that kind of treatment from him, he should be more understanding and supportive as you are the one new to the religion. Everything is really fresh so I would give it some time to process everything and God willing things will seem more clear. I can tell you that I have been married and divorced and learned a great deal about what kind of a man is deserving of my love and it's not one who would destroy me but rather build me up, not one who crushes me with hurtful words or physical force but one who can be my solid rock to lean on. Take this as a blessing that you are seeing him for who he is and thank Allah that you saw this before marrying him and just sincerely pray that Allah replaces him with someone better. A true Muslim man will respect you as a woman and a Muslim and approach things in a halal matter from the beginning. This is very important to understand! You are still working on your faith, it's natural that you haven't perfected your deen. It's a learning process and takes dedication and time to understand the deen coupled with resources and a good support group. Once the faith settles in then the rules become easier, they won't seem like rules so much. I would look into local mosques and ask about classes for convert sisters or join a group on Facebook, seek them out. You can listen to inspiring lectures by awesome scholars of deen like Omar suleiman, Nouman Ali khan....there's a lot, it really makes a difference. I hope that helped sister.

[Drago Musevini]

I think the issue you might be having is your trying to please people first.The first thing you have to do is please Allah.I am a 35 year old Muslim revert from NYC so I have been there done that and bought the t-shirt and worn it out.Your not missing much.I have been with women before but in the end when I wake up in the morning my bed is still empty along with my apartment and my heart.Trust me your better off just finding a nice guy,getting to know him in a halal manner.Then you marry him.The whole boyfriend girlfriend thing is haram and I struggle with it as well sister.I work in a city that has very little social inhibitions and conservativeness. Females wearing booty shorts and low cut dresses and wearing next to nothing.At the end of my work day my neck hurts from lowering my gaze all day.We all have to deal with struggles. Jummah for females is optional but it is very good you go though.Voluntarily going is something Allah will reward you for.Patience is something you definitely have to learn just like me.Soon Allah will bless the both of us.

[Jamila]

Drago, thanks for sharing that. The struggles are real for both men and women as we all go through it especially those who are single. We come across many situations where we struggle to avoid and pray that our weaknesses don't let us fall into major sin. I've learned though, being with the wrong person can be a harder situation than being single. The heart can feel empty, though the mind becomes free, free to think about what to fill the heart with. At the end of the day, your principles and values will guide you to stay away from things that are wrong and to keep company with what you know will bring you closer to God. But this doesn't come without effort and were not always successful. Allah almighty reminds us in chapter 18, "And keep yourself patient [by being] with those who call upon their Lord in the morning and the evening, seeking His countenance. And let not your eyes pass beyond them, desiring adornments of the worldly life, and do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance and who follows his desire and whose affair is ever [in] neglect." 18:28 We have to stop and think and ask ourselves, what am I gaining from doing such and such, or saying such or whatever the action may be. Sister, hopefully you're in a better position now and still keeping up with these posts, I do have a book I would highly recommend you to read that will put your mind to ease about thu go that happen to us in our lives and how to move forward without losing hope or faith. The book is entitled, Reclaim your heart, by Yasmeen Mogahed.

[salman75]

Thank you Drago for sharing your post. Well I will agree I have been to your city NYC twice in last six months. Even thhough I am a born muslim but I am single. As a single its not easy to roam around specially in a world where immorality is on the rise. I will agree with the part where we always are having to keep our necks bent lowering our gaze it gets tiring. But thats what it is. I know having sabr is the key. Its not easy especially when you are looking for a wife but are getting rejections and so end up just praying to allah. I agree we have to just keep making dua and allah will grant us spouses that are coolness of our eyes and a role model for our children.It is not easy but what else can we do but wait and keep calling out to allah. I have been looking for a revert to marry because of all the biased and shameful actions that I have heard many reverts experience by the born muslim community is not only embarassing but at the same time makes me feel partly responisible for it. So i decided if I marry Ill use my marriage to marry a revert and give her a muslim family and put an end to those lobnely sahoors where they have to sneek out in the darkness to eat for the fast and have to spend lonely eids. It just kills me inside and since last two years I have not been celebrating eids just because I know there are many reverts who are lonely out there on this joyful day. So in solidarity with them I choose not to have a very eventful day on eid. BTW I am only 24 yrs old hahah